When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
iPhone X
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Meow?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?