wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”