What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
What is going on? 😅
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
This kid is a star!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?