Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
new shirt idea
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I laughed at this way too hard.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Care for your back
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.