It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You Might Also Like
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Hamburger Hinderer.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.