“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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What my back needs
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.