They say women only use 10% of their anger
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?