[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
You Might Also Like
Just a bush.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .