AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.