Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The internet is full of many things
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit