The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.