My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You Might Also Like
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong