No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
So glad we cleared that up
Bring back the McRib
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?