I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.