Every damn time
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
im all 3
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
This guy gets it.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae