Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Oh yeh? Explain this then
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?