maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
first you must answer his riddles
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi