4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*