Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Living the best life.. 😊
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.