[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Y’all know who you are.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}