If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
You Might Also Like
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway