Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
vegan witches, happy halloween!
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Taliband
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.