I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
and now we wait
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣