Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.