Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne