My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
english majors be like furthermore
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
bury ourselves
How all things should be taught/explained.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
🤣🤣🤣
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it