I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
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Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.