detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Some people were born into their job.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose