Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭