HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?