*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
6. me as a lawyer
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Pass gas, not judgment.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: