My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.