Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
You Might Also Like
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Your secret is safeish with me
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*