stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??