*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
getting corrected
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god