Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Meow
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad