My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.