*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.