[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Many hands make light work
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…