When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Probably my best painting.
Happy thanksgiving!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Rich people don’t understand cereal
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.