Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
🍛
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.