4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
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If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.