Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The options really are this bad
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.