[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
sugar glider wrangler
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.