After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
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inside you are two wolves
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight