Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri