A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
i spent way too long on this
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT