I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.