Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Gods work.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.