Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Does this dress make me look cat?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in